Cathcart's Cookie Day

A Special Tradition: Cookie Day and the Meaning of Happiness

Every year, on one of the earlier days of December, my aunt, cousins, and I, along with some of our children, gather to exchange cookies we’ve each made ahead of time and to make some cookies together that day. This day is simply and affectionately known as “Cookie Day,” and it is one of my all-time favorite days of the year; quite possibly, more favored than Christmas Day itself. It’s an opportunity for connection, conversation, good food, and reflecting on the years’ past.

One year, my Aunt asked a question and then went around and thoughtfully listened to each and every one of our responses: What does happiness mean to you? Have you ever really thought about this before? What makes you happy in life? What impact do your relationships and the things you do have on the overall quality of your life?

This reflection led me to think more deeply about how our early experiences shape our emotional well-being and relationships. One concept that has always fascinated me is attachment theory. Based on a psychological model, it describes how humans form emotional bonds with others, which influence behaviors and relationships throughout life. The quality and consistency of caregiving shape our sense of safety, trust, and self-worth.

From newborns to around the age of 1, children are completely dependent and will need their caregivers “at-will.” From the age of 1 to 2 years old, children begin to explore; however, they still need and are dependent on their caregivers. Starting at the age of 2 to 3, children begin to show more autonomy. Between the ages of 3 to 5 years old, children begin to blossom, not only developing their own identity, but maintaining a preference to do things independently of their caregivers. The ages between 6 and 12 are when children begin acting independently and begin to incorporate outside influences from their caregivers. The years after this, 12 and beyond, are when children begin to incorporate emotional independence and form their lifelong identity.

There are several factors in motion when looking at possible outcomes based on the attachment model. How consistently does the caregiver greet the demands of a child? No two children are created alike. Children have different temperaments. Even if a caregiver is dutiful and blissful in his or her attempts to meet the demands of a child, if an environment is in constant turmoil, or a caregiver can’t, for whatever reason, provide as necessary, this can impact how a child attaches.

Attachment theory, in a nutshell, is based on a child's age and their need for care and attentiveness at that particular age. The better the care, the better the long-term outcome for the individual affecting their behavior and relationships.

Understanding Different Attachment Styles

A secure attachment in a child might look like some distress when a caregiver leaves or is not around, but the child is easily comforted when the caregiver returns. This would indicate that the caregiver is responsive, consistent, and emotionally available. The short-term outcome is that the child feels safe, trusts others, and is more likely to explore. The long-term outcome: has healthy, stable relationships; has a high self-worth; is able to trust people and communicate openly.

An anxious-ambivalent attachment child can become distressed and is harder to soothe. This child craves closeness but is seldom settled or comfortable. This is the result of inconsistent caregiving. The caregiver was sometimes responsive and sometimes completely unavailable. The short-term outcome: the child is consumed with the caregiver rather than exploring. The long-term outcome: fears abandonment and needs a lot of reassurance; often worries about how others feel.

An avoidant attachment child displays little distress when their caregiver leaves and avoids them when they return. This child has little to no emotion, which often comes from a caregiver who has rejected them. This child learns to suppress their emotions. Short-term outcome: This child is self-reliant. Long-term outcome: avoids closeness, intimacy, and vulnerability with people; values independence; may appear aloof or cold.

The disorganized attachment child displays fearful behavior, which is often due to trauma or abuse. The short-term outcome: This child is often uncertain and does not know how to deal with stress. The long-term effect: struggles to trust people and regulate emotions; desperately craves emotional connection but fears getting hurt; struggles with intimacy.

This model can be helpful for a plethora of reasons: it can help us to identify where we are in life and how to improve our behavior, relationships, and parenting skills.

Here is a link to take an attachment style quiz: gottman.com/blog/attachment-style-influences-success-relationship

It’s important to remember, our parents did the things they were taught; we do the things we know. By identifying and better understanding ourselves, we seek to improve ourselves. Our attachment style can be adjusted through therapy, healthy relationships, and self-awareness.

Cookie Day is a day I look forward to each and every year. That particular day has impacted my life profoundly. What does happiness mean to me? Contentment.

Gina Paradiso Cathcart is the director of the CareCorner agencies. They are women-owned and operated. She is a healthcare educator and passionate about service to others and quality of life issues. She can be reached at ginaparadiso@carecorner.org.